stripped bare

Time.Change.Happiness.

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My colleague ended his relationship with his girlfriend recently. They had been together for two years, and according to him, they broke up because they have different personalities. Somewhat angered by the shallowness of the reply, I asked him why it took them two years to realise that fact.

“We knew we were both hot-tempered. But we thought we could change each other. And we both have changed a little for the better. But there comes a time when a quarrel every night will hit a nerve. It has, and I am sick of it all.”

Everyone is flawed in one way or another. I am well aware of mine, and though I am not the kind to be humble, I confront each and every one of my faults before I close my eyes every night. I may think about it for two hours, or I may just give it a passing thought as I contemplate my day, but not showing that I am regretful for my actions doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m insolent.

As I age, my thought process matures. I used to think for the present, for the now, for today. My mantra was to “take each day as it goes”. Even though age and the idea of settling down is not a concern to me, I’ve come to regard my life in “the long run”. I am in a long-term relationship. I aim to be in my chosen career for a long time. I want to save for long-term commitments, like a home. My new goal, my new mantra, is to be happy. So when my own personality flaws hit me in the face, I think: “In order to be happy in the future, I should change.”

Then.

“You are losing yourself,” C said to me over lunch today. Of course, I am. How can I change myself without losing myself in some way? But the process of these changes have not been smooth-running. There will come a point in the transition where you will start asking yourself if it is all worth it. You will start to question your limits. You will start to fear that as you try to reconstruct yourself, you will suddenly reach your tolerance limit and find yourself back where you started. “You need to be a little selfish if you want to be happy,” she says. As I listen to her, I wonder if I have come one full circle.

And then you will look into the eyes of the one you love and realise that you will always have these struggles within yourself. Because love means letting him into your heart. Because love means taking a risk at an unforeseeable future. Because there is no greater happiness for a woman than to be able to love.

Written by smudgi3

June 15, 2008, Sunday at 20:25

Posted in Perversion

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