21 March 2007
I know I didn’t have to, but I kept my word anyway.
I’m not doing this for you, or me, but for us. Closure, they call it. But I’ll be asking for too much if I expected a puny post like this to make up for the 10 years we have shared.
I’ve hurt you, that I have never denied. I have said I’m sorry, no matter how insincere you seemed to think it was. It wasn’t duplicity you heard; it was determination. All the lies I’ve told, all the secrets I’ve kept… let it be my cross to bear. I have made my choice, and whether it is a wrong or a right one, let me be the one to decide. Of course, I can’t stop you or anyone else from judging me or coming to conclusions about the way I handled the situation—go ahead, I deserve it.
Despite the pain I’ve caused you, and whether you believe me or not, I still stand by what I’ve told you again and again. I love you. You can take that anyway you want: Decapitate it, shred it to bits. We’ve both devoted a decade of our lives to us, never mind the misdemeanors each of us have contributed to the relationship. Do those years count for nothing?
We’ve been happy. We’ve been broke. We’ve had dreams fulfilled. We’ve loved.
But it’s not working out. We both need to be free from the tight reins comfort has over us, or we will never be able to achieve what I think we both individually can. I can only hope from the depths of my heart that you’ll forgive me for what I have done, and that you’ll respect the life I have chosen to lead. You may never want to see or talk to me again, but I don’t have to tell you again that you have been my soul mate and I wish never to lose you as a friend. You’ve said it was impossible, but I’ll always wait for the day when you’ll tell me, that you don’t hate me anymore.
Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I may have seemed unappreciative, and yes, I’m never satisfied. But I’m not heartless. I’ll never forget those lovely surprises, those expensive dinners, those wonderful trips… I will only allow myself beautiful memories. Will you, too?
Please be happy.