stripped bare

Countdown to nothing.

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The last day of 2006.

“How are you going to spend it?”

I am going to spend the last few minutes of this disastrous year feeling disgusted with myself, and at the things i have (or failed to) achieve.

I’ve been working for a year in a friend’s company. I am being paid well for doing everything, and nothing. I have been asked if this was what I wanted to do for a living. Of course not, I often replied. But what then, is it that I want to do for a living? Until I “find a job that I love so that I don’t have to work a day in my life”, do I stay contented in a job where I am surrounded by friends, laughter and comfort and seek self-fulfillment somewhere else?

It’s been a trying year for J and I. We’ve started a business together, and also each have a job of our own. An endeavour like this gave us many opportunities to travel, and we have learnt many tricks of the trade. There are times we spent hours unseparated, working hard. And there are times we spent disconnected, alone with our monsters. Yet, we have to deal with the conflicts such an arrangement has brought about. I have nothing to boast about the maturity of our relationship, nor am I envious of the tentative steps of a new one.

I’ve failed to bring home a degree yet again. While I have to face the disappointment of my parents, nothing prepared me for the depression I was to sink into. Whatever self-worth I had dissolved into thin air and for the first time ever, I displayed courage and seriously contemplated ending it all. But I was a weakling after all. To add to the masochistic nature of my actions and behaviors, I went and got myself a kitten.

As a summary, I achieved fuck all this year. Did I live 2006? *shrugs* I just know I have absolutely no expectations of the new year.


Written by smudgi3

December 31, 2006, Sunday at 19:30

Posted in Dear Diary, Insanity

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