stripped bare

This will be a long one.

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I am the granddaughter who grew up too fast; who dreams of your death and is frightened to tears; who brought you for an expensive lunch because she thought it would make up for all the time she didn’t spend with you.

I am the sister who loved you when you were a boy, but she doesn’t think so now; whom you begged to stay and kept throwing her clothes out when she was packing to run away from home; whom you made plans to put our parents in an old folks’ home and run away together to Japan with; who has to take the blame for every wrong you do; who sometimes wish you don’t exist.

I am the daughter who wasted all your money on education; who told you she wouldn’t be there for your funeral; whose heart broke when she saw that you threw away all the gifts and cards she made for you for Mother’s Day; who has never bought you anything since.

I am the firstborn who filled your heart with pride; whose heart ached because of your distance; who looks in pain as you struggle to make ends meet for the family; who is sorry she cannot never be anything more than perfect for you.

I am the broken soul who is crying as she types this.

I am the girl whose best friend you were in love with; the girl whose heart you emptied; the girl who changed her lifestyle, her attitude, her dressing, just so you’d think she’s cool; the girl whose empty heart you took for a ride again and again and again and again and again…

I am the girl who ditched her drummer boyfriend for you; who has spent the entire of her youth with you; who has rejected many, many men for you; who has pushed back all her dreams for you; who lied to her parents everyday for you; who is willing to do even more things for you.

I’m the girl who everyone turned to when they had problems, but who has no one to turn to; who had several longterm friendships that seemed to end in hostility; who had difficulties making friends because she was shy but everyone thought she was proud; who only wanted to make things right but was called bossy.

I am the girl who couldn’t wait to grow up; who wanted to be an air stewardess, a singer, a hotelier.

I am the woman who doesn’t have savings, still lives with her parents, fails her exams, can’t find a job and wishes she’s still a girl.

That’s me. Who are you?

Inspired by mercermachine’s post and everyone else


Written by smudgi3

September 21, 2005, Wednesday at 21:58

Posted in Insight

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