It was as I expected.
I stood in the crowded train, feeling helpless and alone after going to school to finally see my results. Different thoughts were fighting wars inside my head but the dominant thought was : How am I gonna tell Mum? I looked at the girl sitting down in front of me, alternately tapping the keys on her handphone fervently, and smiling when she received a message. Then I looked at the sign slightly above her head : Please give up this seat to someone who needs it more than you.
I looked at her again, silently imploring her to look at me, see the whiteness of my face and offer me her seat. No, it doesn’t work that way. Though I probably need the seat much more than her at that moment, I’m not weak, pregnant, nor disabled.
What was I expecting, first class honours? Tears welled up my eyes as a song crept into my head, burning the self-hatred behind the eyes. “But we lost it all/Nothing lasts forever/I’m sorry I can’t be…/Perfect.“
A pass would have been sufficient, but the heavens would prefer to torture me with eyebrow raising good scores for 3 subjects, and jaw dropping bad scores for the other 3. Another year. What a jinx.
How am I gonna tell Mum?