To Jean :
Your latest post touched me.
It’s a known fact that a dream is your mind’s manifestations of your fears, hopes and deepest thoughts. I may not totally understand what you went through, but I’ve been through the same hurting process. Since I don’t know you all that well, I have 2 kinds of advice for you : Surround yourself with friends who love you and extract all the energy you can from them. Good friends have positive vibes that may influence your thoughts. Good friend won’t push you away. There’s a time to be selfish, and that time is now.
Or you can revel in this self hate, go as low as you can go. For no matter how low you go, you’ll come to a point where the only way you can go is back up. That’s where you “break yourself, and then make yourself”, to quote your own words. Decide which one you prefer and embark on it. After all, in a month’s time you’d be free. Free to look your feelings in the eye and experience all that it brings you.
A person who has never felt pain, has never really lived.