stripped bare

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Don’t you sometimes feels that memory loss is a way of clearing out your mind?

You forget some names, some songs, some things that have happened, and then you move on. But often times, your brain retains too much. When I’m in a total state of blankness, you know, like when I’m brushing my teeth, or cooking lunch, certain flashbacks hit me, and I get disarmed. Usually these ‘flashbacks’ aren’t happy memories. It could be something I’ve done that I’ve regret, or really unhappy events that occurred some point in my life. I don’t want them there, corrupting my thoughts, but when I’m most quiet and weak, they invade my private silence.

I admit that I hold on to my past in an almost masochistic manner, and I do it most willingly. I’d like to think that these experiences will guide me through my future endeavours, so that I would never ever make the same mistakes again. I also believe that it’s wrong to hoard all these mistakes, as I don’t move on and keep stirring myself into the same shit.

Bad memories eat into my life. Though I only think about it for a few minutes a day, it isn’t healthy. When I was younger, I often wish upon myself a major car accident that would cause me to lose my memory, so that I can start afresh. The good thing is, happy memories are there all the time, and it is easy to summon them to mind. It’s the bad thoughts that sneak up on you when you’re least expecting. Of course I know there are many things I can do to erase bad thoughts from my mind, but I’ve been known to wallow in self pity. It’s the easier way out anyway. We all know that the harder we try to forget something, its vicious tail never fails to come behind you and give you a hard slap on the back.

Just break off these mental handcuffs and maybe I’ll find a little freedom.


Written by smudgi3

March 4, 2005, Friday at 12:30

Posted in Uncategorized

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