stripped bare

The only thing that would make me wanna commit suicide.

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I had a bad dream. I wouldn’t call it a nightmare, cuz it wasn’t scary, not in the monsters and ghouls sense. But when I finally opened my eyes, tears streamed down my face on its own accord as if it had been held back by a dam, otherwise known as my eyelids. Then there I lay, body convulsed with sobs and sniffing for about half an hour, before I let myself sit up and open the door to the real world. The one I’ve taken for granted.

On paper, the descriptions of my dream may seem trivial and senseless. But it is in this incoherence that beauty stems. If dreams made sense, how can it differentiate itself from reality? How could it make you see things in another perspective, and finally wake up, from reality?

I had dreamt that my entire family(grandparents, cousins…) had just returned from a trip overseas. And I was home all this while, nursing some mysterious disease that had me so weak I was walking around like a zombie. When they got back, suddenly everything I did got on their nerves. I was eating too many eggs, or I was getting in everyone’s way or something. And weirdly, though the ‘family members’ in my dream looked some sort like what they do in real life, none of them looked into my eyes. It’s like their faces were there, but they were avoiding my eyes. Oh well. My entire family was turning against me, accusing me of things I don’t believe I had done. That I had instigated my bro and my cousin to charge thousands of dollars to my dad’s credit card while they were overseas. That I had left my baby cousin to go hungry when I was babysitting him. Saying it out now makes it seem really trivial but it seemed really heartbreaking in my dream. I was practically bawling and begging my grandma to help me understand the situation. I didn’t have a clue about what was going on.

The climax of the dream was particularly significant. My grandma handed me a piece of paper with the word ‘Grandmother’ printed on it. She made me tear in in half, breaking the word into ‘Grand’ and ‘Mother’ and then made me sign on the word ‘Grand’. I was no longer her granddaughter. (Oh dear, the tears are coming again.) It was quite literal, the severing of ties. I guess my mind couldn’t find any more appropriate manner to convey the message to me. I remembered pure heartbreak. I can still feel it now. I’ve never cried like that in reality, God forbid. It’s so ‘end of the world’, I thought I might just slit my wrists right there in my dream.

And then things started clearing up. It became apparent that my bro and cousin were using me as a scapegoat for their attempt at getting my dad to pay for their expenses. And a particular malicious aunt had accused me falsely of ignoring my baby cousin when I had actually been sick and wasn’t even able to get out of bed. At that very poignant moment when realisation descended upon the room, I woke up.

A very huge part of me wanted to go back to sleep and continue on that dream. I wanted to see the apologetic looks and regret eating away on their faces. I wanted to question them on how they could just listen to what others say and then sentence me without first giving me a chance to defend myself. I wanted to hear them say they’re sorry. And I wanted to walk away.

But I decided against it. It’s a dream after all. It’s a little scary, touching and beautiful the way it is. Besides I already have big bulging puffy eyes from that episode, don’t think I’d want a sequel to that.

P/S Grandma I love you. Please don’t ever do that to me. I’ll just die.


Written by smudgi3

August 28, 2004, Saturday at 14:05

Posted in Uncategorized

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