逞强-萧亚轩
曲:饶善强
词:姚若龙

如果听实话只会感伤
宁愿将你的谎话当作善良
反正结局是这样
小的细节又怎样

想好聚好散 完美伪装
可是被你的拥抱击溃眼眶
不愿成全
不想原谅
但自尊太好强
最怕旧情人
想怜悯的眼光

爱的太逞强
无论多眷恋也不祈求不勉强
不爱我的我不想
讲的洒脱却感伤
总是爱的太逞强
怎麼你竟让我不能忘不能放
痛 还想

戴上了墨镜 隔绝目光
然后戴上了耳机紧贴悲伤
到人群里去流浪
也不一个人在家

越苦的情歌 越要敢唱
回忆最满的地方坐一晚上
不要埋藏才能释放
虽然痛会很长
爱不会留下
太容易疗的伤

爱的太逞强
无论多眷恋也不乞求不勉强
不爱我的我不想
讲的洒脱却感伤
总是爱的太逞强
怎麼你竟让我不能忘不能放
痛 还想

You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.

My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot her down and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bear the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: “You’re late ”

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”.

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?

—
Yashar will be soon releasing his first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.
—

This post originally appeared on The Current Conscience.

Taken from here.

I’m being reminded that in these three years I have lost everything. Everything.

你好嗎?

主唱：周杰倫
作曲：周杰倫
填詞：羅宇軒．李汪哲

牆上靜止的鐘是為誰停留
是不是和我一樣賴著不走
你說故事已經結束　很久
我忘了　向前走

我努力假裝現在過得很好
現在的你看來已不需要我
也許在不同的時空
還牽著　你的手

想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到　你身邊

現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是誰呢?

想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到　你身邊

現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是誰呢?

也許在不同的時空
還牽著　你的手

November 6 was a day of food.

We went shopping at Tokyo Station. First Avenue Tokyo Station fully opened in the middle of this year, but when we were there, we already managed to visit the Rilakkuma Store at Character Street, queued up for delicious Hirugao ramen along Ramen Street, and had anmitsu along Gourmet Plaza.

In the evening, we met our Japanese friend Kazu-san, who brought us to a DIY yakitori plave for appetiser and a shabu-ya for dinner. We tried horse sashimi for the first time. As you can see from the shaky photo, I was rather upset about it. But it tasted like raw beef so it was actually all right, though I will never order it again. Once again, Kazu-san was too kind to have come all the way to Tokyo to bring us to dinner.

作詞：李格弟
作曲：焦安溥
編曲：樊哲忠
製作：王治平

這已經不是我第一次聽到她的名字
你是我們共同愛上的浪子
其實我並不真的在乎
與別人一起佔有你
我並不真的介意你的吻也蓋著別人的印記

如果這是你不能逃避的宿命
就請你給我好一點的情敵
至少讓我擁有競爭的樂趣
至少讓我相信 被遺棄有被遺棄的道理

這已經不是我第一次聽到她的故事
轉載來自 ※Mojim.com　魔鏡歌詞網
你是我們共同愛上的主題

其實我並不真的難過 與他人一起分享所有
我並不真的害怕 你的愛左顧右盼牽牽掛掛

如果這是你不能逃避的宿命
就請你給我好一點的情敵
至少讓我擁有競爭的樂趣
至少讓我相信 被遺棄有被遺棄的道理

如果這是我不能躲閃的結局 我只要求給我好一點的情敵
至少讓我擁有完美的嫉妒
至少讓我感覺 有另一人 足以匹配我的孤獨 我的孤獨

After putting down that book, I lost no time getting into, pardon the pun, my next one. I scanned the list of novels on the right of this page that my Twitter friends (whose literary taste I trust very much) had recommended that I read. For some reason, “Siddhartha” by Hermann Hesse caught my eye. Usually, this wouldn’t be the kind of book I’d pick off the bookshelf, but I was so glad I did. The author’s words and wisdom came at the right point in my life when I needed them. If I had read this earlier, it may not have touched me so deeply. It was a surprisingly easy read and my early reservations about its religious themes flew right out the window the moment I caught on to Hesse’s poetic style of expression. The things worth learning from this novel transcends all religion. While I do not claim to have “found myself” after reading the book, I somehow felt peaceful after reading it. After all, Gam zeh ya’avor.

I read the digital version of this book, but I will get a physical copy. This is one book I will read over and over at different points in my life and I will probably reflect on how I have—or have not—changed since the last time I read it. Thank you, @Howling_Fantod.

Next book? Hello Murakami. How strange that you appear again, now that it has all ended.

 
Set Fire To The Rain
Adele
21

I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they’re strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you’d say, they were never true, never true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing is better

‘Cause there’s a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you’d say, they were never true, never true
And the games you’d play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin’ die, ’cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you’ve gone, must be waiting for you
Even now when it’s already over
I can’t help myself from looking for you

I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin’ die
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh

Oh, no
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn

One by one, the members left. First the cellist, then the saxophonist… at one point, there was only me and one of the guitarist, who was also the frontman of the band. We were the tightest band and the musicians were so talented, but there were a few egos too many. Still, I miss the guys. I miss the jamming sessions, I miss learning new songs and making old ones ours. I miss standing, frightened and shaking, at the front of the stage, knowing my bassist was behind me on the right keeping time, and my frontman is just to my left, silently giving me strength. I miss knowing every single pair of eyes in the audience is on me, while the spotlights blind me from seeing anybody in the room at all. I performed for everybody and nobody.

Recently, I was at a music event and someone I didn’t know called out my name. He said he recognised me from those gigs and asked if I was still doing them. I admit I was flattered – it has been 13 years. But it also meant that I was good at something I love but had to give up because. Just because.

I remember all the angsty love songs we’d perform that the crowd loved. I wrote this post because I heard an angsty love song that would be great for a band and I imagined how we could have done it. If I could have a band again and we could have an album, it would be a collection of angsty love songs, none of those flat, no-range music that the cafes keep playing over and over. Angsty, heartwrenching love songs that reminds us of all the heartbreaks that made us who we are today.

Then I’d name the album “Too Old For This Sh*t”.

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we’re fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can’t breathe

So, I won’t let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you what you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down

I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can’t breathe

So, I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you what you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me
I can’t give you what you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah