The Beginnings
The Bride Stripped Bare and Norwegian Wood.
And a layer of dust three years thick.
Have you ever been in love?
ROSE: Have you ever been in love?
DESIRE: You might say that.
ROSE: Horrible, isn’t it?
DESIRE: In what way?
ROSE: It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like “Maybe we should just be friends” or “How very perceptive” turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.
DESIRE: How picturesque.
ROSE: It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.
The Sandman – The Kindly Ones – Neil Gaiman
(via @Dulcinia)
A wake-up call
Him: Was clearing the mega mess in my room and the faithful stack of email correspondence we had in 1999 was staring right at me. I took the stack of papers from the folder and placed them in the trash.
Me: You’re happy now. That’s all that matters.
Him: Was just a matter of minutes before I took that stack of papers out of the trash and transfered it to the “to deal with later” box. Thought I’d give it up, didn’t you?
Me: Why won’t you?
Him: I don’t know. Maybe the answer lies with you all this while.
Me: I treated you unfairly; I don’t deserve your memories.
******
How cruel it is that, on the morning I start my journey towards letting go, someone else is reminded that he still hasn’t.
分生
一個我想不會累 一直往前
一個我動彈不得 傷心欲絕
我不確定幾個我住在心裡面
偶爾像敵人 偶爾像姐妹
一個我在網路上 朋友一堆
一個我在房間裡 獨自面對
灰色的音樂塞滿黑夜
High的想麻醉
好讓翻攪的胃安靜一點
忘了全世界
分裂前的熱淚
分裂後的冷眼
越愛誰 越防備
像隻脆弱的刺蝟
分裂中的心碎
分裂後的假面
不快樂不傷悲
情緒埋藏成了地雷
等待爆裂
一個我相信用心 會被感覺
一個我大喊真心 會被欺騙
開始的熱烈不停奉獻
後來剩決裂
謊言吞噬了心 帶來刺痛
撕裂的褪變
分裂前的熱淚
分裂後的冷眼
越愛誰 越防備
像隻脆弱的刺蝟
分裂中的心碎
分裂後的假面
不快樂不傷悲
情緒埋藏成了地雷
等待爆裂
- 张惠妹
Transient
The cat jumped onto the window sill and watched intently. An impending storm.
You want to get back to your morning routine but could not tear your eyes away from the sky. Silently the both of you stood, mesmerised by the everchanging shape of the dark, ominous cloud above.
Like a bad omen the raging shape approached, the trees beneath it dancing like woeful nymphs, limbs outstretched and flailing. The cat jumped off and fled under the table; you expect hostility.
You waited for the assault.
But when the rain came it was gentle. The muted patter on your window was rhythmic and soothing, almost a lullaby. Chastened, the wind stilled the trees and the soil turned a deep shade of earth.
And quickly, it was gone.
Furry
My alarm buzzed unceremoniously at 0705 this morning. I stretched and kicked my duvet away, ready to start the day.
I heard a bell tinkling and it was approaching my bedroom. Still lying in bed, I lifted my head slightly to see a forward-curving tail at the foot of my bed. I smiled and called out to him.
My cat had come for a morning visit.
Does he know how good it feels to have a warm, furry generator on one’s tummy first thing in the morning? Does he know how happy it makes me feel to have him leave his fur all over my duvet as he rolls around my bed, like it belonged to him?
He must know, because he only visits me and purrs on my tummy once in a very long while. He knows how it is a privilege to have him so close to me I can feel his purr, so he only comes to me when I really, really need him. Then I won’t take him for granted.
And, because I was delighted His Furriness came to me this morning, I spent almost half an hour manja-ing with him in bed. I was late for work, my nose is runny from sneezing his fur out, and I have a furry bed to go home to later.
But I wouldn’t have wanted to start my morning any other way today.
A Conversation
“How are things?” she had asked when the two of them stepped away for a smoke.
I merely smiled, not wanting to reveal anything. In that moment, I had contemplated telling her everything. But would she understand? Would she be able to see him through my eyes and understand what I have done?
It was as if she had read my mind.
“I know what it must be like, being in love with someone like him.”
I turned to her in astonishment. She smiled at me and put a hand lightly on my thigh. A few years older than I am, she suddenly felt more like an older sister than a friend.
“I once dated a musician. You know them creative types. Moody, cranky. Sometimes they just crawl into their shells and leave you out there alone. But when they love, there’s nothing you can do to stop yourself from running into their arms. I was with that guy for nine years. And I actually let him cheat on me again and again. Can you imagine that?”
“Then what happened? What got you out?” I stuttered.
“Well, there comes a point when you just know that enough is enough, and when you pack your things and leave, there’s no turning back, no matter what he says to get you back,” she replied lightheartedly, unaware of the turmoil that was festering like a pus-filled sore within me. “So I understand what it must be like. But, you know, you are so much better than the ones before.”
I gulped. I knew she was about to tell me something, something I did not know yet if I wanted to hear. Not that I could have stopped her.
“The previous ones were so stormy. Before, when we used to meet up for drinks, we would ask among ourselves if we knew what the ‘weather’ was like. It was bad. They were nice girls, of course. Something was just wrong. We were so worried for him.”
“So when I came along, I had big shoes to fill, huh.”
She laughed. “I admit we were whispering behind your backs, you know, ‘Oh no, is she gonna be like the ones before?’” Then she squeezed my wrist. “We could see the changes in him. He is laughing all the time now, and we see the way the both of you love each other. I thought to myself: this could be it. And B agrees. I really like you a lot. All of us are so happy for him, especially after being there with him through his failed relationships, and with all of us getting married one by one. Finally, he has got it right this time. I think you’re good for him. We love him, you know. If there are any difficult times at all, hold on. It’s worth it.”
And right there, in that awkward position we were in, sitting side by side on stone chairs, we turned and hugged. She must not have known how much those words mean to me. To have his friends’ support was like winning the lottery, something really not expected but something really wonderful to have. And in these trying times, their confidence in me only made me stronger.
Barely a second later, B and him returned to the table. There was a twinkle in his eye from the laugh they were both sharing, and his cheeks were flushed from the beer. He sat down across from me and promptly put his hand over mine. He raised his eyebrows at me, and I smiled back, holding back my emotions.
That night, he fell asleep quickly in my arms, tired from being out and about the whole day. My eyes were dry, but my heart was crying out in pain. Perhaps he may have dreamed it and forgotten about it the next morning, but I had whispered into his ears while he slept: Do you see me the way they do?
Then I Find Solace
When she left her workplace, she had plugged into her iPod and put it on Shuffle, as she always does when she’s in that kind of mood.
She was almost home, but then a song from her random playlist came on. A song that brings back so many memories. He had played this track from a compilation cd he had for her, asking her if it was suitable for a short film he was doing. As they both listened quietly to the lyrics, she knew it was the perfect track. She must have heard that song almost a hundred times now, but today, it seemed to hit her harder.
She closed her eyes, praying that the stinging behind her eyes would go away. Instead, she saw the friendly and smiling faces of the nice couple they’d met during the making of the film, the distance they must have clocked driving around looking for locations, the nights spent getting the edit right. And how proud she was of him when it was finally projected onto the big screen. She saw nothing but memories.
Now she sits by her poolside, a place steeped with even more memories. She takes in the rustle of the palm trees, the tireless race of the ripples towards the edge of the pool, the smell of the breeze, and all she thinks about is how happy those memories are. She remembers what it was like to be unquestioningly happy and how happy she has been recently.
Then, with the piano riffs from the song echoing in her mind, she smiles wryly at the birthday wish she had made a few days ago before blowing out the candles on her cake. She knows it’s a silly wish, but that is all she wishes for this year.
I Remember.
I remember it well
The first time that I saw
Your head around the door
‘Cause mine stopped workingI remember it well
There was wet in your hair
I was stood in stare
And time stopped moving…
by Damien Rice
